please let it be known that i really don't hate all boston fans. i know several lovely people who like the red sox. but guys like this almost ruin it for the rest of you!
jetblue informed me that i needed to arrive at the airport 2 hours before my flight's scheduled departure because of some new baggage system they've implemented. that bummed me out because my freakin' flight was at 7:00AM! i obviously didn't want to miss the flight though so i did what they told me. guess what?! the jetblue counter at AUS doesn't even open until 5:30AM so i had to sit around for 30 minutes. oh but please don't think i was lacking entertainment during those 30 minutes. not at all! allow me to go off on a brief(ish) tangent here to tell you a tale of a person (and his family) that should be a saturday night live skit (or a drew barrymore movie).
picture, if you will, a couple with 2 small children. one of them is barely walking and the other is under 6 months old. now picture the parents, both wearing boston red sox t-shirts, the father also sporting a red sox hat and toting a red sox duffel bag. these people were my pre-flight entertainment. the father, we'll call him masshole dad, played sweet caroline on his cell phone at least 5 times in a row while we were waiting for the ticket counter to open. and of course he didn't have headphones plugged in so it played loud enough for everyone in a 20 foot radius to hear. please do not think that i am exaggerating here. i realize that i may have a tendency to do that but i am recounting this story exactly as it happened. masshole dad also sang along to sweet caroline. duh. i sat there in disbelief while most of this was going on. i may or may not have still been half asleep so i was trying to will my mind into believing that this was some sort of lucid nightmare i was having. it wasn't.
after i got away from the massholes i went through security and found my gate. i took a seat and then about 5 minutes later, the massholes arrived at the same gate. of course. out of alllll the seats in this waiting area they sat down right next to me. of course. masshole dad proceeded to play sweet caroline a few more times, claiming that it calmed masshole toddler down. i know that my nephew was calmed by annoying songs in his younger months so i could totally buy this dude's story except that the kid wasn't worked up at all. he actually seemed quite calm to me.
the massholes left our seating area to board the plane during family boarding. as they walked away i thought to myself, "i will murder someone if i have to sit anywhere near those people on this flight." when i walked on board to find seat 4D what did i see? masshole toddler IN MY SEAT. of course. so i told masshole dad that his kid was in my seat. he seemed annoyed with me. i mean, really, how dare i want to sit in my seat? i really have some nerve. masshole mom and masshole baby were sitting in seat 5C. i don't understand why they didn't pick seats together but whatever. after i sat down and buckled in a flight attendant passed by and masshole dad asked if it was a full flight. the attendant informed him that there were 15-20 empty seats. then masshole dad turned to me and asked if i would mind moving. i just stared at him. then he said, "i can just tell this guy is going to get fussy." as if it was in my best interest to move seats. i replied, "well, if your toddler needs his own seat then perhaps you should have booked one for him." come on, dude, what if this flight were full? then what? shortly before we took off the massholes discovered that the entire first row of seats was empty and they moved up there. out of my hair. thank god.
oh, and the masshole toddler's name? boston. that poor kid doesn't stand a chance.