i swear i'll update my blog for real eventually but this is too fun not to share. i made this from a couple pictures my friend amber took when we got together to celebrate sam's birthday this year. i can't stop laughing at it!
Showing posts with label sam. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sam. Show all posts
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Friday, April 8, 2011
i'm still here!
i know i haven't posted much lately other than for the 30 day song challenge but that's mostly because i haven't been doing much.
last night kelly and i went to see guster at stubb's. it was warm and humid as shit! my hair was an insane afro until i finally gave up and tied it back. when the show first started we were standing a little too far on the "outskirts" of the real crowd. everyone around us was talking and no one was dancing! we moved further in and it really changed the tone of the show for us. being around other people who are singing and dancing is a lot more fun than doing it by yourself! the show itself was wonderful, as it always is. i do wish they would come back more often than every other year though.
on april 6, 2007 kelly, sam and i saw guster at stubb's and it was a ridiculously fun night. last night was my first time seeing guster since sam passed away and i missed her so much. i had a couple of moments where i had to force myself to contain the tears that welled up in my eyes. i mean, who cries at a guster concert?!
last night kelly and i went to see guster at stubb's. it was warm and humid as shit! my hair was an insane afro until i finally gave up and tied it back. when the show first started we were standing a little too far on the "outskirts" of the real crowd. everyone around us was talking and no one was dancing! we moved further in and it really changed the tone of the show for us. being around other people who are singing and dancing is a lot more fun than doing it by yourself! the show itself was wonderful, as it always is. i do wish they would come back more often than every other year though.
on april 6, 2007 kelly, sam and i saw guster at stubb's and it was a ridiculously fun night. last night was my first time seeing guster since sam passed away and i missed her so much. i had a couple of moments where i had to force myself to contain the tears that welled up in my eyes. i mean, who cries at a guster concert?!
from that night in 2007 ryan from guster, me, kelly, and sam
look how big those smiles are (except for ryan haha)!
Monday, December 6, 2010
a year already?
one year ago today we lost our incredible friend sam turn. i cannot believe it has already been a year. it feels like just a couple of days ago i got the wake up call from sarah telling me the bad news. i remember absolutely everything about the minutes, hours, and days that followed that phone call. it is all so clear and fresh in my mind. to be honest, i thought that i wold be in a different place with this by now. the good days have finally started to outweigh the bad but the bad days are still terrible, much worse than i expected. i don't really know how or why i had any expectations for the way i would heal from this loss because i had nothing to compare it to because until sam died i had never suffered a significant loss. i can say that it has been a learning and growing experience for me and my relationships with certain friends. here's hoping as the years go by it gets easier, but not too easy. if it's too easy it's because i've started forgetting her and i don't ever want that to happen.
kelly, suzy, me, and sam at my tacky christmas sweater party in 2006
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
happy birthday
29 years ago today the world was blessed with samantha gene turn. though she is no longer with us, those of us who were lucky enough to know her are continually blessed by her spirit. i miss sam more than i can even think about describing. there just aren't words for it. i anticipated that i would be a little bit sad today but i had no idea how rough it was going to be.
i love you, sammy.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
a confusing evite or how my heart stopped beating for 3 seconds
on monday afternoon i got an evite invitation email with the subject sam turn's 29th birthday. if you really know me or have been reading my blog for a while, you know that sam died in the late hours of december 6th last year. i would be lying if i said that i don't constantly think that it's some sort of weird and sick joke and that she's actually still alive. i can't help it. i know it's not true but i still find myself confused over it all and actually thinking that maybe i imagined all of it. the early morning phone call from sarah, the resulting phone calls i made and emails i sent, and the most emotionally draining day of my life...maybe none of that happened? but it did.
so imagine my shock and confusion when i saw that email. i am not kidding when i say that for a split second i thought i was actually going to celebrate sam's birthday with her. i thought, "oh sam's coming to austin for her birthday again this year!" what the hell is wrong with me? when am i finally going to understand that she's really gone?
and for those of you wondering, the evite is for some friends to get together to celebrate sam's birthday by going to a bar that she liked, drinking cheap drinks, and reminiscing about our wonderful friend. and if i happen to get emotional it won't be the first time i've cried about sam in a bar.
so imagine my shock and confusion when i saw that email. i am not kidding when i say that for a split second i thought i was actually going to celebrate sam's birthday with her. i thought, "oh sam's coming to austin for her birthday again this year!" what the hell is wrong with me? when am i finally going to understand that she's really gone?
and for those of you wondering, the evite is for some friends to get together to celebrate sam's birthday by going to a bar that she liked, drinking cheap drinks, and reminiscing about our wonderful friend. and if i happen to get emotional it won't be the first time i've cried about sam in a bar.
the lovely sam and me...i miss her every day
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
a special piece of memorabilia
my mother is a pack rat. her mother was a pack rat. i have pack rat tendencies but i really try to keep it under control. i have about a box full of things that i would take with me each time i move, even if they remained in the box forever, because i simply can't part with them.
i have several setlists from gomez shows that i've been to over the years. i used to have them displayed in my room, with other memorabilia (like tickets, wristbands, and pictures) from the show affixed to them. i no longer have them up on the walls but i haven't been able to part with them. in may of 2006 i went on a roadtrip with 4 great friends to new orleans to see gomez. sam ended up with one of the setlists and tonight, that setlist was given to me.
her boyfriend found it in a box of her stuff and he gave it to kelly when he stopped in san angelo over the weekend on his way to austin. kelly walked into amber's kitchen tonight with the setlist in his hand and i immediately said, "new orleans?" he told me that he wanted me to have it because he knew i would do something "creative" with it. i still have everything from that show so i will definitely be throwing it all into a frame sometime soon. it means to much to me to have it and i know that i'll treasure it forever.
the 5 of us in new orleans, one of my all-time favorite pictures. i know i posted it recently but it's worth posting again because it's so great :)
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
this may or may not help
as i wrote the other day, i've been having a tough time dealing with sam's death lately. i realized i've never really written much about her so i think i'm going to do that now. this could get long but it's mostly for me anyway.
in august of 2003 i started working at a bbq restaurant called rudy's. after working there for about a year, i became friends with this guy named kelly who i worked with. we were fast friends once we actually got to know each other and i was thrown right into his HUGE group of friends (mostly all girls). i don't remember my first impressions of all of them but i do remember thinking that sam was one of the nicest, most beautiful people i had ever met. from day one sam and i were "me too" friends. you know, the friend that says something and your response is always, "ME TOO!" and vice versa. we both preferred miracle whip to mayonnaise, we both loved cheese (but really, who doesn't?), we both hated vegetables, we both had big boobs and long, beautiful hair. i could go on but i think you get the idea.
for a couple of years our interactions were limited to social gatherings with kelly. in may of 2006, a group of us took a roadtrip to new orleans to see gomez and after we got back from the trip, i decided i didn't need kelly around to be friends with these people. kelly did a lot of traveling that summer and i spent a lot of time with sam and robin. my strongest memories from all the times i spent with sam are memories of extreme happiness, constant laughter and smiles. sam had a smile that could shoo away even the worst possible mood. she was a free spirit, always down for anything (unless she was pmsing, in which case, watch out).
in january 2008, after being employed on and off for a while, sam decided to move to colorado to live with her mom for a while to save up some money and get a fresh start. at this point kelly had already moved away and sam leaving austin really solidified that it was the end of an era for all of us. i think her time in colorado didn't go quite as she expected so she moved back to texas, but not to austin. she moved back to san angelo, where she grew up, to help out at a family restaurant. when living in austin, sam always struggled with the dating scene (like most of the rest of us) and i think, though she never let on much, that she was discouraged and afraid she'd never fall in love. well, shortly after moving back to san angelo she met and fell in love with her best friend wade. though i only saw her a couple of times after she moved back to texas, i thought of her often. she had tentatively planned to come to austin for acl festival in october but she went to visit her "mama" instead. that's what she always called her mom and it was adorable.
on december 7th i didn't have to be at work until the afternoon so i was sleeping in. my phone rang shortly after 10:00 and i barely woke up to see that it was my friend sarah calling. i remember thinking it was weird that sarah was calling me because we never really talk on the phone. if we have something to say to each other, we either email or use google chat. even still, i figured it wasn't anything important and that i would call her later. then my phone notified me that there was a voicemail and i knew that something was wrong. sarah's message said that she had something really important to tell me and i called her back immediately. she barely managed to spit out the words, "sam died" before i had to hang up the phone. i got up out of my bed, intending to walk into the bathroom or something, i don't really know, and i collapsed onto the floor sobbing and wailing. i have never in my life felt that type of emotion before. and for the next few weeks i cried sporadically with less and less frequency as the days went by. i still get choked up every now and then and i'm crying as i write this but i think eventually it will get easier.
many people measure a person's worth on their level of success, specifically in a chosen career field. if that's how you measure success, then sam (and definitely myself) would probably seem pretty worthless. however, i measure a person's worth on their character, personality, and how many lives they've touched. and going by that measurement sam is probably the most valuable person i will ever know.
in august of 2003 i started working at a bbq restaurant called rudy's. after working there for about a year, i became friends with this guy named kelly who i worked with. we were fast friends once we actually got to know each other and i was thrown right into his HUGE group of friends (mostly all girls). i don't remember my first impressions of all of them but i do remember thinking that sam was one of the nicest, most beautiful people i had ever met. from day one sam and i were "me too" friends. you know, the friend that says something and your response is always, "ME TOO!" and vice versa. we both preferred miracle whip to mayonnaise, we both loved cheese (but really, who doesn't?), we both hated vegetables, we both had big boobs and long, beautiful hair. i could go on but i think you get the idea.
for a couple of years our interactions were limited to social gatherings with kelly. in may of 2006, a group of us took a roadtrip to new orleans to see gomez and after we got back from the trip, i decided i didn't need kelly around to be friends with these people. kelly did a lot of traveling that summer and i spent a lot of time with sam and robin. my strongest memories from all the times i spent with sam are memories of extreme happiness, constant laughter and smiles. sam had a smile that could shoo away even the worst possible mood. she was a free spirit, always down for anything (unless she was pmsing, in which case, watch out).
the 5 of us in new orleans in may 2006
in january 2008, after being employed on and off for a while, sam decided to move to colorado to live with her mom for a while to save up some money and get a fresh start. at this point kelly had already moved away and sam leaving austin really solidified that it was the end of an era for all of us. i think her time in colorado didn't go quite as she expected so she moved back to texas, but not to austin. she moved back to san angelo, where she grew up, to help out at a family restaurant. when living in austin, sam always struggled with the dating scene (like most of the rest of us) and i think, though she never let on much, that she was discouraged and afraid she'd never fall in love. well, shortly after moving back to san angelo she met and fell in love with her best friend wade. though i only saw her a couple of times after she moved back to texas, i thought of her often. she had tentatively planned to come to austin for acl festival in october but she went to visit her "mama" instead. that's what she always called her mom and it was adorable.
sam and me on her birthday in october 2008
on december 7th i didn't have to be at work until the afternoon so i was sleeping in. my phone rang shortly after 10:00 and i barely woke up to see that it was my friend sarah calling. i remember thinking it was weird that sarah was calling me because we never really talk on the phone. if we have something to say to each other, we either email or use google chat. even still, i figured it wasn't anything important and that i would call her later. then my phone notified me that there was a voicemail and i knew that something was wrong. sarah's message said that she had something really important to tell me and i called her back immediately. she barely managed to spit out the words, "sam died" before i had to hang up the phone. i got up out of my bed, intending to walk into the bathroom or something, i don't really know, and i collapsed onto the floor sobbing and wailing. i have never in my life felt that type of emotion before. and for the next few weeks i cried sporadically with less and less frequency as the days went by. i still get choked up every now and then and i'm crying as i write this but i think eventually it will get easier.
many people measure a person's worth on their level of success, specifically in a chosen career field. if that's how you measure success, then sam (and definitely myself) would probably seem pretty worthless. however, i measure a person's worth on their character, personality, and how many lives they've touched. and going by that measurement sam is probably the most valuable person i will ever know.
me and sam on her birthday in october 2007
Monday, March 1, 2010
when does it get easier?
recently i've had conversations with amber and wysteria about our dear sam who passed away in december. we all have these moments where we forget. i think all 3 of us have nearly called her several times in the last couple of months. yesterday amber i decided to have a brunch party for our birthdays and as i was setting up the facebook invitation page, i almost clicked on sam to invite her. then it seems, after each moment i have like that, i have dreams about her. the dreams are really hard because they feel so real. waking up and realizing that i wasn't actually just hanging out with sam is a difficult feeling to deal with. i try to look at it in a positive way, like at least i'm able to spend time with her even if it's just in my dreams, but it still stings pretty hard.
so when the hell does it get easier? when does it feel real?
so when the hell does it get easier? when does it feel real?
Friday, January 29, 2010
sign sign everywhere a sign
last month i wrote a little blog about signs. specifically, signs from my friend sam who passed away in the beginning of december. sam was definitely on all of our minds last weekend in san francisco. at one point we were walking down the street and i saw an orange, fuzzy peace sign adorning someone's front gate. i wish i had gotten a picture of it. orange was sam's favorite color and everyone knew it. seeing that made me think that she was with us.
later in the day, we saw at least 3 different rainbows and i like to believe that it was sam's way of really letting me know that she was with us.
later in the day, we saw at least 3 different rainbows and i like to believe that it was sam's way of really letting me know that she was with us.
Friday, December 11, 2009
healing with laughter
yesterday was sam's memorial service. i'm not going to go into a big long post about it but there was one part that i wanted to share.
in the program, it said, "Heaven's House Band played an encore as Samantha Turn arrived Sunday, Dec 6 2009." kelly read it and thought that heaven's house band was a real band. one thing about all of my friends is that we're not afraid to admit when we've done, thought, or said something stupid. so kelly told us that he had mistaken it for a real band and thought to himself, "who is this band? that's a weird name for a band." we all had a good laugh about it. i know one of the reasons i was laughing was because it reminded me of something sam herself would have said. she once stumbled upon a ring that said "true love waits" and wore it on her thumb, not knowing the popular meaning of that phrase. in her mind, it meant that if you waited long enough, you would eventually find true love. there were many laughs had when we all realized that she was wearing that ring, and what she thought it meant.
and you know what? sam did wait long enough and she found true love.
in the program, it said, "Heaven's House Band played an encore as Samantha Turn arrived Sunday, Dec 6 2009." kelly read it and thought that heaven's house band was a real band. one thing about all of my friends is that we're not afraid to admit when we've done, thought, or said something stupid. so kelly told us that he had mistaken it for a real band and thought to himself, "who is this band? that's a weird name for a band." we all had a good laugh about it. i know one of the reasons i was laughing was because it reminded me of something sam herself would have said. she once stumbled upon a ring that said "true love waits" and wore it on her thumb, not knowing the popular meaning of that phrase. in her mind, it meant that if you waited long enough, you would eventually find true love. there were many laughs had when we all realized that she was wearing that ring, and what she thought it meant.
and you know what? sam did wait long enough and she found true love.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
writer's workshop: signs
i'm doing mama kat's writer's workshop this week because one of the prompts was perfect for something i've been thinking about for the past 24 hours.
If you were the type to believe in "signs," describe a "sign" you have received from someone.
on monday night i had the pleasure of seeing sam in several of my dreams. it was so good to see her again. i posted about the dreams on twitter and one of my friends replied to me that the vietnamese believe if a loved one passes away, then appears in your dreams it means that they truly loved you and have used your dreams as a way to say goodbye. i did some googling and found that a lot of people believe this to be true.
i can't think of any reason not to believe in it as well. some people even believe that our deceased loved ones try to communicate with us throughout the day, too, but for some reason when we're asleep we're just more receptive to it. i've always been a little "extra-sensory" so i'm actually looking forward to seeing signs of love from sam when i'm awake too :)
If you were the type to believe in "signs," describe a "sign" you have received from someone.
on monday night i had the pleasure of seeing sam in several of my dreams. it was so good to see her again. i posted about the dreams on twitter and one of my friends replied to me that the vietnamese believe if a loved one passes away, then appears in your dreams it means that they truly loved you and have used your dreams as a way to say goodbye. i did some googling and found that a lot of people believe this to be true.
i can't think of any reason not to believe in it as well. some people even believe that our deceased loved ones try to communicate with us throughout the day, too, but for some reason when we're asleep we're just more receptive to it. i've always been a little "extra-sensory" so i'm actually looking forward to seeing signs of love from sam when i'm awake too :)
Monday, December 7, 2009
goodbye, friend
there isn't much i wouldn't do to be able to squeeze sam and kiss her on the cheek just one more time.
sam,
as the brightest star in all of our lives you've touched each of us in a way that no one else could. this world will never be the same without you. i love you so much.
as the brightest star in all of our lives you've touched each of us in a way that no one else could. this world will never be the same without you. i love you so much.
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