the first time i remember eating a hamburger with cheese on it was at planet hollywood in washington dc in april of 1997. up until that point i had only ever had plain hamburgers. that cheeseburger totally changed my life. okay, not really, but it definitely changed the way i ordered hamburgers for the rest of my life. i ate another one just a couple days later in some tourist trap mall in williamsburg. i just couldn't get enough! i would say that i've had maybe a dozen non-cheeseburgers since that first experience in 1997.
when i was stuck in o'hare for 12 hours a couple of weeks ago i was just miserable enough to eat at mcdonald's for lunch. i decided to try the angus bacon and cheese, because, let's face it, everything is better with bacon. i mean, i was having a horrible day so i thought a little bacon was deserved. what i haven't mentioned yet is that i only like cheese (and bacon) on my hamburgers. i'm not a veggie gal so i definitely don't want onions, tomatoes, or lettuce on my burger. i also dislike mayo and mustard and i have to apply ketchup myself so i always order my burgers "plain and dry, just meat and cheese" ALWAYS. after i waited for what felt like forfuckingever, my number was finally called. i grabbed some ketchup and napkins and made my way down the concourse to find somewhere to plug my iphone in for a charge. the only available outlet i could find resulted in my ass sitting on a cold tile floor in front of a maintenance closet. i settled in, opened the bag from mcdonald's, pulled the burger out, opened it, took the top bun off and found NO CHEESE OR BACON. now, pardon my language, but why the fucking fuck would i order an ANGUS BACON AND CHEESE if i just wanted a plain hamburger?!? i'm sure i paid a good $2 extra for bacon and cheese and whatever this "angus" is that they pretend to sell, and i ended up with a dry, plain-ass hamburger. i was already so mentally fragile at that point i didn't think i could handle walking all the way back down to mcdonald's, waiting in line again, and then trying to explain my situation to the morons that work there. i covered it in ketchup and ate maybe 1/3 of it. it was such a sad experience. i'm channeling seth and amy here but REALLY, MCDONALD'S IN TERMINAL B AT O'HARE INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT? REALLY? a bacon and cheese angus with no bacon or cheese? really? fuck you.