a confusing evite or how my heart stopped beating for 3 seconds

on monday afternoon i got an evite invitation email with the subject sam turn's 29th birthday. if you really know me or have been reading my blog for a while, you know that sam died in the late hours of december 6th last year. i would be lying if i said that i don't constantly think that it's some sort of weird and sick joke and that she's actually still alive. i can't help it. i know it's not true but i still find myself confused over it all and actually thinking that maybe i imagined all of it. the early morning phone call from sarah, the resulting phone calls i made and emails i sent, and the most emotionally draining day of my life...maybe none of that happened? but it did.

so imagine my shock and confusion when i saw that email. i am not kidding when i say that for a split second i thought i was actually going to celebrate sam's birthday with her. i thought, "oh sam's coming to austin for her birthday again this year!" what the hell is wrong with me? when am i finally going to understand that she's really gone?

and for those of you wondering, the evite is for some friends to get together to celebrate sam's birthday by going to a bar that she liked, drinking cheap drinks, and reminiscing about our wonderful friend. and if i happen to get emotional it won't be the first time i've cried about sam in a bar.

the lovely sam and me...i miss her every day