Saturday, March 12, 2011

real talk

my job is turning me into a monster. i can be a mean person, i think and say bitchy things sometimes. i may even get angry somewhat easily. but recently i have developed an unhealthy amount of rage towards people i work with and/or deal with while i'm at work. some of the thoughts that pop into my head are terrifying. i basically feel angry all the time. i imagine myself strangling people. i imagine myself beating the shit out of people. i get so mad that i cry. i get so mad that my entire body shakes. i get so mad that i think i might bite all the way through my cheek. i get so mad that i become dizzy. all of this takes place while i'm at work. and despite any emotions i've ever exhibited, i am not a violent person. i have never want to inflect physical harm on anyone until now and that genuinely concerns me.

every night it takes me so long to fall asleep, even with the help of a prescription sleep aid. i toss and turn all night in a shallow state of sleep where all i can think about is work. when i wake up in the mornings i cry because i do not want to go to work. every day when i get home from work it takes me hours to even begin to unwind. i cannot keep living like this. i might be an emotional and passionate person but i am not an angry person, at least i wasn't until recently. sometimes i think the reason i've been sick for the better part of 3 months is because i just don't have it in me to fight this infection because i fight so many other things on a daily basis. i am mentally and physically stretched far beyond my limit.

i do not know what to do. i am hanging on by the teeny tiniest of threads right now. i am drowning in a sea that i cannot see out of. instead of hanging out with my friends and having fun i am wallowing in my emotions. first i get angry and then i get sad because i'm so angry. i am so tense all the time. i cannot relax my jaw/face at all and i feel like i have a permanent scowl on my face. like i said before, i'm mentally and physically exhausted. what do i do?

1 comment:

Stiina said...

Oh honey, you need a break from it all. A long break, maybe even quit the job. That sounds awful. I know, I've been through similar stuff, but because of my studies.

You're overstressed and If you can't unwind soon, you'll end up depressed and that is pure hell.
Try to find something, anything, that takes your mind off things and relaxes your body. I did a hell lot of yoga when I was in my worst. It helped a bit. Tai Chi was also good. Maybe swimming? Anything that FEELS good and keeps your mind occupied for a while.

I worry for you :(
Hope you get better from your illness and can begin gathering the strength to change this situation. Meanwhile, just try to rest and keep talking or writing about all the bad stuff in your mind. Let it out, keeping it in only makes it worse. And by the way, you're not a monster even though you go Hulk every now and then. It's just human ;)